


Spiraling Out Of Your Hands

by xserenity



Series: JayDick Week 2017 [6]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Angst, Bat!Dick, Batman!Dick, Dick Grayson is Batman, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pit-craze, Restraints, Self-Pity, injured
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 22:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12263433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xserenity/pseuds/xserenity
Summary: “Jason never wanted to hurt Dick, ever. But his hand just—it just slipped and he couldn’t, he couldn’t help it. His restraint, his fucking—he just lost control of his feelings, and the rage within him, that pit craze broke into his soul, and filled him completely.”





	Spiraling Out Of Your Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Day 3 - Restraints

Jason never wanted to hurt Dick, _ever_. But his hand just—it just _slipped_ and he couldn’t, he couldn’t help it. His restraint, his fucking—he just lost control of his feelings, and the rage within him, that pit craze broke into his soul, and filled him completely. The colors of his world turned, a vivid red slowly creeping into his vision, trickling in until he was completely consumed and all he could see was just _pure red._

And the shot rang, echoing into the stagnant air as the bullet pierced the one person he loved and watched as the man crumbled to the ground. He screamed in pain as a slew of curse words rippled into his cries. It was—fuck—it was _dreadful_ and ear screeching and Jason _cringed_ , felt his body stiffen at what he’d just done, his mind going blank.

Blue-green eyes gazed at the limp body resting on the ground as he stood there, feet glued to the concrete and watched as the man twitched and writhed in pain until his whimpers were no more. Until his cries could no longer be heard and his mind fell unconscious, body motionless. And that’s when he caught it, the _blood_ , the red slowly dripping onto the gray cement, stained it like wilted rose petals and suddenly, his world darkened.

The light dimmed as the color faded, the red sluggishly crawling away until the darkness completely enveloped him, turned his vision pitch black and Jason could see _nothing_ , just black.

And the sounds, _fuck_ , the damn sounds played like a broken radio, refusing to be fixed no matter how hard Jason tried to tinker with the controls. All he could hear were the cries of his loved one as the track looped, repeating over and over again.

He just fucking wanted to stop it, but the button, it wouldn’t work—it was gone, _disappeared_. He could feel his chest squeezing in pain, tight and constricted his breathing. He wheezed loudly, gasping restlessly as he struggled for air to flow into his esophagus.

 _God_ , he was suffocating and everything hurt and he just wanted it all to _stop_. But it wouldn’t, it just kept coming and coming and he could feel himself going crazy as a vibrant green would subtly flicker into his eyes, like someone kept flipping the light switch.

And yet, he still saw nothing.

Jason hadn’t—he didn’t want to—he just—god no. He loved the man, had always looked up to him and he—all he wanted was to _talk_ to him. To speak to him but the man, he made it hard for Jason to get anywhere close. When he was finally able to be within reach of him, Jason became too eager, too excited that his heart was pumping abnormally from just having him, _Dick_ , within his proximity.

And Dick? Hah, he didn’t know how he felt. Didn’t know how much Jason _loved_ him. Loved him _so_ much and yet, he—he hurt him just because he couldn’t control himself.

" _What did you do?_ " A voice filled with anger called to him and suddenly, everything that was haunting Jason disappeared and the colors flourished once again, filtering back into his vision. And there in front of him was the brat, _Bruce’s brat_ , dressed in the bright Robin colors, glaring at him with deadly eyes, ready to strike at any moment as he held his precious Batman in his arms.

" _Nothing._ I did nothing!" Jason shouted, hysterically flailing his arms and slowly backed away. He was ready to run, to high tail it out of there before the family could blame him— _no_ , they already had. The evidence was apparent in those accusing emerald eyes and the boy, he was snarling at him, showing his fangs as he was ready to bite Jason.

He’d hurt their Golden Boy and there was no way they wouldn’t hunt him down and punish him.

All Jason had wanted was to talk to him. _That was it._

"You shot him!" Damian hissed loudly and pointed a finger at him and Jason could see how unstable they were, could see him trembling. The boy was concerned and there was fear evident in his expression. As much as he tried to hide it, Jason could see it clearly in the way his eyes kept glancing from Jason to Dick. How he’d been pressing down on Dick’s wound, attempting to stop the blood flow from exuding out of the man. As the red stained the uniform and leaked onto his gloves.

And all at the same time, he was protecting Dick, hovering around the man. Was attempting to shield him from all harm and took on a defensive stance, glaring at Jason and ready to fight back if he so much as tried to hurt him.

But he wouldn’t. Jason would—god no. He never meant to and he never planned to. It was just—his body had a mind of his own at times.

A cold chill rippled through his frame and his fingers tingled with anxiety when he laid eyes on Dick’s lifeless and bloodied form. Fuck, there was so much blood and he needed help immediately. He needed—

Jason unconsciously took a step forward, felt himself gravitating towards Dick with the need to save him, but he stopped when a batarang was met at the tip of his foot.

"You _so_ much as move again, I will _slit_ your throat," Damian bit back with venom and threatened him as he readied another at hand.

Drawing in a rickety breath, Jason attempted to settle his raging emotions, breathed in heavily and exhaled. He tried to reign in his control so he could be in charge of himself again and chase away his temper. He could see that the fuming bird would strike him at a moment’s notice and nothing he said, nothing he did, would help alleviate his guard. So he had to leave if he wanted to live.

And the only reason he would allow himself to live was because he needed to know that Dick was okay. To achieve that desire, he had to leave and wait, wait for word to travel back to his ears.

So with one last farewell, he tossed a glance at the fallen bird, broken and bleeding in his little bird’s arms as the boy cradled him close, refusing to let go.

Jason chewed on his bottom lip before he slipped a word into the restless night, an apology for hurting his love and prayed that the wind would carry it to him.

And then quickly, he left.

\---------

Jason had been completely out of his awareness, his ability to perceive a sense of time that life to him felt like an eternity. The night he arrived home from that awful nightmare was the last day he’d step foot outside. Had barricaded himself in his safe house, afraid to leave as the moment he did, he’d hurt someone else. Someone he cared for and that thought frightened him.

His state of mind was fucked, so _fucked_. He couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t process a single thought as the stupid pit was warping his train of thought, clouding his emotions. Jason hissed as the fact that no matter how much he tried to control his rage, he’d always end up in a losing battle against the pit. It was hard to resist when his emotions would startup, quickly filling the tank as his ability to control himself slowed over time. And then suddenly, he would move without thinking, acted purely on his fueled rage.

Jason had difficulty controlling it, didn't have a good way of dealing with the pit’s side effects. He couldn't figure out how to ground himself, a reason to calm his mind, keep himself in check. He'd tried many ways, but nothing ever worked so eventually he gave up, tossed in the towel and let it run wild.

But maybe he shouldn’t have. Because if he had better resistance, could fuel his actions with a different emotion—If he’d only tried harder, than Dick wouldn't have gotten injured. That it wouldn't have been his fault that he shot him.

Though really, whose fault was it in the first place? Now that he was able to think a bit more rationally, had days to replay and analyze the image in mind, he couldn’t solely blame himself even though he had fired the shot. Dick, that idiot decided that the life of a criminal was more important than his own and jumped in front of Jason's shot when he was about to fire at the man about to attack him.

God, they were just, Jason was just trying to have a chat with Dick. He spent a lot of effort trying to coax him out, get him to meet alone and without his loyal guard. But as luck had it, they were attacked. Because of course, two vigilantes attempting to have a chat in the middle of the night on a rooftop would never go well.

But even then, the fact that Jason had _hurt_ him ate at his core, and scratched his inner guilt as it bleed all over. He was just angry—at the fact that someone dared to interrupt them. That someone was trying to hurt Dick. And he couldn’t have that happen, would never allow it and the thought itself ticked him off.

Jason groaned and dragged his hands down his face and hid them there. Fingers buried into his hair as he tugged and pulled restlessly. He breathed heavily, exhaling and inhaling, his breathing ragged as his chest rose and fell irregularly. He was so absorbed in himself he didn't hear the click of the window opening and the soft footsteps approaching him, as light as a feather.

" _Hey._ " A soothing voice resonated into the closed room, fading into his eardrums and captured Jason’s attention as he snapped his head up. Swiftly, he straightened his back when he found the idiot Golden Boy grinning down at him. He was in civilians, a simple sweater and sweatpants and had a hand pressed to his stomach, right at the spot the bullet had hit him.

He felt relief wash over him as his shoulders drooped, the concern gradually seeping out of his body. He was glad Dick wasn’t dead or critically injured and while he was happy to see him, he wasn’t comfortable with the unwanted visit. "What are you doing here?" Jason hissed, wanted Dick to leave even though deep down, a part of him was screaming for Dick to stay.

"To talk to you." Dick simply said and stood there awkwardly as he rolled on the balls of his heels, eyes roaming about Jason’s tiny safe house before they landed back on him. "Nice place." 

Jason scoffed, rolled his eyes. It was anything but nice, was cluttered and ancient. The place barely had anything except the essentials, like a dinky ass kitchen and a bed. A small couch that he was currently occupying and a shitty wooden table. TV for news purposes and his armory that lay out in the open. Everything was old and on the brink of breaking. There was nothing nice about it. " _Liar,_ ” Jason accused, disbelieving him.

Dick didn’t deny nor agree to it, just smiled and gestured at the empty seat beside him. "Can I sit?" He asked and did it anyways before Jason could even part his lips to reply. 

The couch dipped with the extra weight and Jason shifted to the side, away from Dick and hugged the arm rest. He was trying to avoid Dick, was too afraid to get close to him, but the man paid no attention to his emotions and scooted closer, completely popping his personal bubble.

"What do you want?" Jason asked in a sharp tone, avoided eye contact with Dick and just stared at his shoes, examining the crinkles of his boots. "You know it's dangerous to be here right? I might hurt you again."

Dick chuckled and Jason jerked his head to look at him. He narrowed his eyes questionably and glared at the former Robin, watched as the bluebird shook his head. "No. You'd never hurt me." 

"I _shot_ you." 

"That you did." And how could he not see the seriousness of this? He was just grinning, laughing it off like it wasn't a big deal. "But it wasn't on purpose."

"Doesn't matter. I shot you. I hurt you. The family will hunt me down now." Jason sighed pathetically and turned away once again, couldn't bear to continue looking at Dick. It hurt just to see him and he could tell from his complexion that he wasn’t feeling well.

"They won't. I explained to them what happened," Dick spoke softly, voice tender and he placed a hand on Jason's shoulder, squeezed it tight. "Come on Little Wing, look at me." He called and Jason twitched at the old nickname. 

"No."

" _Please?_ " Dick pleaded sincerely and just— _fuck._ Fuck the Golden Boy for always getting his way because he was too goddamn good to ignore. Jason sighed heavily, pinched his nose and brought his attention back to Dick. Bright blue eyes immediately captured his gaze, grounding him so he wouldn’t have the urge to look away again.

His eyes dazzled and Jason was stunned, breathless at how clear and vivid they were. He’d always been mesmerized by Dick’s pretty sapphire eyes, couldn’t comprehend how a person could be so expressive with just their eyes. It was one of the reasons he fell in love with Dick because from just a simple look, he could see all that he was feeling.

And right now, he could feel Dick’s affection.

" _What?_ " Jason asked and shifted in his seat, feeling awkward with how intense Dick was staring at him.

Dick rolled his eyes to the side and laughed quietly. He trailed his hand slowly down Jason's arm, and he squirmed, wanted to shake him off. Every touch burned his skin, left a subtle warmth that lingered and blossomed. It was intoxicating and he wanted it gone, didn’t want to feel anything, but Dick never let go. He found his way to his hand and gently spread his fingers apart, hadn’t realized he’d balled them into a tight fist. Jason held his breath, watched in awe as Dick tenderly traced the lines of his palms and then twined their fingers together.

Jason was startled by the action and honestly, confused because this was—it was _intimate_. Dick wouldn't just— _no one_ just holds someone's hand like this. Jason chewed on his lower lip, tense and narrowed his turquoise eyes, squinting at Dick to search for an answer.

The corner of Dick's lips pulled into an amused smile. "You didn't hurt me on purpose."

Jason exhaled loudly, felt frustrated that Dick was trying to argue otherwise. "I did."

"No, you didn't," Dick whispered and squeezed his hand. "I was being an idiot and thought you were trying to kill them."

" _I was._ " Jason wasn't lying. They were trying to hurt Dick, so he did what he had to do.

"I know.” His eyes were earnest and full of honesty. “I wasn't going to let you do it."

"And so you _jumped_ in front of my line of fire?" Jason asked, appalled that he’d do such a thing. Then yet again, it was such a Dick Grayson thing to do.

Dick nodded. "Yeah."

"You're so fucking stupid." Jason was pissed, not at Dick specifically, but at the situation and his goddamn good heart. "They were about to hurt you."

"I know. I could have handled it." 

"And yet, you took a bullet to the gut." Jason eyed the spot where his hand still rest. He was keeping pressure on the wound, probably felt pained by it despite the fact that he was probably on heavy pain killers.

He laughed lightly. "It hurt like a bitch." It was nimble like a feather, but the confidence in his tone didn’t help to put Jason at ease. It made him even more nervous.

Jason exhaled noisily and shook his head at Dick’s stupidity. Couldn’t believe he was still such a self-sacrificing idiot like this. He should have learned by now that his life wasn’t worth risking for others. “You dumbass.”

"Your insults are quite aggressive today." He was still smirking despite all the name calling and Jason decided to add more.

" _Dickface_." Jason tossed out just to spite him.

"Hm." Dick hummed and turned to his side, sliding in to shorten the distance between them. Positioned himself so he was facing Jason, rather than having to tilt his head to look at him as it strained his neck. "So—“ He started, licked his lips suggestively and wore a tiny smirk. “Did you mean what you said?" He asked, eyes wide, bulging with curiosity as he searched Jason’s avoiding gaze.

"No." He lied, knew exactly what Dick was referring to.

" _Huh_. Really?" Dick asked, not quite believing Jason's lie. He could tell from the light bounce in his tone and knew he was just playing along. At least, he had to be.

Still, Jason wasn’t letting up. Too embarrassed when memories of that night penetrated his mind, and caused him to blush a rosy pink. "It was a joke you idiot. Like I'd even _like you_." 

" _Oh._ " Dick said and promptly released his hold from Jason, pulled his hand back to his lap and Jason suddenly regretted his decision to lie. Immediately he missed his warmth and the feel of his calloused skin. He wanted it back, didn’t realize how clammy his own were, cold and frigid and how Dick seemed to have warmed them right up. "So you didn't really mean it when you said you loved me?" Dick asked with downturn lips, eyes glistening a bit and god—was he a good actor or what?

Jason groaned and slapped a palm to his face, ran it down in disbelief that he was playing right into his hand. It was fucking annoying and yet, Jason was going to give into him. "God damn," he cursed aloud, knew what game Dick was getting at and how he easily got caught in his trap. "Okay. _Fine._ I love you."

"Can't you say it a little nicer?" Dick teased and poked at his side tenderly.

Maybe he didn't love him after all. Maybe he just wanted to kick his ass. 

"Fine." Jason drew in a sharp breath, stared Dick straight in the eye, held his gaze still as he struggled to form a coherent sentence to say. The man was grinning, wide and showing off his pearly white teeth.

"Dick Grayson, _I fucking love you_."

“Again. Without the word ‘fucking’ please.”

Jason just rolled his eyes at the fool. “ _I love you_ ,” he said with the same aggressive tone but with a sprinkle of tenderness as his affection shined through.

The expression on Dick’s face softened and the corner of his lips curled into a fond smile. He sucked in a small breath and puffed out some air, blowing at the tip of his bangs and seemed a little flustered. "I can't say that I love you yet," and Jason almost decided to maim him instead for forcing him to say those three little words he thought he wouldn't repeat again. "But—" and Jason felt his body tense, eager and anxious, waiting for Dick to hurry up and finish his damn thoughts. "I'm open to the idea and I'd—” He paused for a brief moment as he chewed on his lips and then delicately recaptured Jason’s gaze. With serious blue eyes, he completed his sentence. “ _I’d like to try._ " 

" _Really?_ " Jason blurted the first thing that came to mind, surprised at his response even though the honesty was apparent in his expression.

Dick smiled fondly and cupped his cheek, swiped a thumb under his darkened eye. " _Yeah._ " 

"Wouldn't everyone oppose though? I'm the black sheep of the family." Jason didn't understand what was happening, was having trouble comprehending and tried to focus on Dick’s touch instead because he _liked it._ It was tender and warm, and he could feel the care glowing from him as it flowed into his body. It was calming and he’d forgotten how this feeling felt as it’d been forever since he’d been so relaxed before.

Dick hummed in thought. "I can't say they wouldn't. _But_ , I would convince them otherwise."

Even through all his crazy emotions and the confidence that Dick showed, Jason was still doubting himself. "But all I do is hurt you." Jason drew in a wobbly breath and tried to tear his eyes away, but Dick didn't let him and cupped both his cheeks.

"You don't, Jason. _You don't._ This here—“ He pointed at his abdomen. “Was my fault. It wasn't yours. And if you did hurt me, if you ever _intentionally_ hurt me, I'd tell you. Trust me, I would tell you. But I know you would never do that." His eyes were firm and strong, reassuring Jason that he wasn’t the monster he thought he was. Made him feel that he wasn't crazy. That he wasn't out to hurt Dick. " _You're fine_."

"But—the pit."

" _Ah._ The pit," Dick paused and thought about it for a moment. "That is something we can deal with."

"I've tried Dick."

"But you did it by yourself no?" Dick asked and quirked a brow in question.

"I did and it was no use. It—sometimes it just controls me and I can’t do anything about it."

"So we'll find a way for you to control it." Dick sounded so confident, though it didn't make Jason feel any better. Just made him feel worse that he was so incompetent.

"I don't know Dick."

"It's fine. We'll take small steps. _Together_." Dick leaned in closer to Jason, brought their faces within a few centimeters of one another. He could see his lips so clearly, hovering close and Jason could feel his warm breath tingling his lips. Smelt minty and fresh.

Vivid blue eyes looked at Jason, yearning for something. For... _permission_. And Jason wanted to give it, but he was nervous, could feel anxiety budding up within his chest, wanting to burst open. He wanted to run, even though he'd been so bold the first time. He was the one that initiated all of this by calling Dick out just to tell him his feelings because he couldn't contain it anymore and yet, right now, he was getting cold feet.

Dick was—he was so patient, being so careful with Jason and listening to his every word. Responding in a way that soothed him, brought him back from his emotional high. His pit craze high and he wanted to give it to him. _He did._ It was just—he didn't know why. It was just _hard_.

"I—" he stuttered and Dick bit down on his lip, raised a brow in concern, anxiously waiting. "N—yes." He blurted, didn't want to pass up this opportunity.

" _Oh._ " Dick blinked. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Sure?"

"Just fucking—ugh _here_." Jason crushed their lips together, closing that tiny space between them and kissed Dick. Could feel how soft and moist his lips were, just slightly chapped. Felt him laughing into the kiss, smiling and kissing back sweetly.

"You kiss well Little Wing," Dick teased once they parted lips and Jason just rolled his eyes at him and pushed him down onto the tiny sofa to climb over him. But once the man wince, groaned in slight pain, Jason felt immediate dread.

" _Shit,_ ” he cursed. “Are you okay?" he asked, worried that he'd ripped open the wound again and Dick just shook his head. Slyly, he hooked an arm around his neck and pulled him down so their lips touched once again.

Dick huffed a pained breath as he shifted, tried to get comfortable so he could fit Jason neatly on top as the man hovered just a few inches above him. " _Peachy._  Now, just kiss me." And he did, soft little pecks as they exchanged chaste kisses, slowly growing passionate by the minute.

The confession was only meant to be a confession. It was a spur of the moment since he could no longer contain his feelings. Jason had no expectations and all he wanted was to just relay the information to him. To just tell him that he loved him, so he could get it off his chest before his emotions could explode and he’d end up in some weird depression and self-pity.

Jason was glad that he went through with it as much as he suffered from his confession, it paid off in the end.


End file.
